I have chosen to be celibate. To fast. One month now...
My last adventure was in August to a Connecticut UM graduate who lives in a penthouse, drives an Audi, and was celebrating his recent employment to his first real-life job. It wasn't a low point. I left well off considering. It felt so SO good.
My choice to be celibate derives from many factors. For one, my emotional instability at this time. Something that is quite evident when I have way too much to drink. Secondly, my disappointment with the current market. [There may be more fish in the sea, but where's the variety? I'm swimming in the same pool and need to break free.] My standards are low and quite honestly need an upgrade. Scruffy bad boys full of empty dreams need to go. And I yearn for intimacy.
I am going to save myself for myself. When I am ready, emotionally and physically, I will. Right now, I need to learn how to love.
***
Lately friends have joked openly about sex with me, not knowing of my decision. For some reason, I am viewed as promiscuous. They joke that I have no (or low) standards. My open-mindedness and friendly manner towards others is being perceived as slutty.
For example, I recently moved into a new home. There are two males and two females, including myself. One of my roommates is very physically attractive. All my lady friends (gays included) gawk at him. And it has been stated on more than one occasion that by the end of the year, I will sleep with him if not both. Can men and women no longer live together without sexual tension? And why is it assumed that I will act on primal urges? Does every encounter be defined by sex? Are we humans that sexual?! Do people think I am?
Yes, I would fuck them both. I find both males in my home fuck-ably attractive. However, they are people that I live with. People I respect and would like to form a friendship with. A kinder-garden to fifth grade type friendship, where Goofy rules.
From the past (and lord knows I'm trying to learn from the past), I have brutally learned that sex doesn't necessarily equate friendship. Nor should it be a way to gain friendship; because even though you spent a very physically intimate vulnerable time with someone, they do not have to be your friend. Yes it hurts.
***
Remember Jr. High crushes. The person you were "in love" with was really only someone you wanted to get to know better. Someone who you wanted to be close to. I love crushes. And right now, I have three.
-aeg-
11.39.9.22
